David-NelsonAs such, we've decided to publish this "defense" – in quotes for a reason – of of CoD, which was the only one that could really be posted without intensely heavy editing. …that may be a commentary on the CoD fanbase, but I won't get involved in that now.
Anyway, congrats to David Nelson, aka WorldEndsWithMe.
Call of Duty. The very name conjures up thoughts of epic military struggle, tense sniper crawls, and redecorating your surroundings with your friends' brain paste.
As the latest installment Black Ops II nears, I'd like to take a pause for the cause and thank the video game gods for giving us this gift of mayhem and destruction that has taken over living rooms across the country and the world. The mayhem and destruction we fans love so much is not just fictional, no my friends our favorite yearly game is causing true damage in the real world that furthers the betterment of gaming at large and society in general. Call of Duty is our weapon in the war on nerds, geeks, basement dwellers, otaku-ites and other flotsam and jetsam that must needs be wiped off our reasonably priced recycled map packs.
Listen folks, let's face it, the only thing that matters in this game of gaming is money. This is a business and as such it is the mission of CEO and hairpiece model Bobby Kotick to exploit us out of every dollar we and our parents can scrounge together. Who else can say that their favorite gaming franchise makes the most money by changing as little as possible? What other game can lay claim to so many sales records that when we fans post comments online we can win any argument with internet geeks simply by posting sales numbers as evidence?
And while we're on the subject of squashing long time gamer preferences, it's time we show that we are thankful that Call of Duty has led the way in gaming creativity and innovation that has done away with gameplay in other games that could threaten the top spot. By supporting the nonstop action, pick up and play interface, and twitchy twitter-like response times needed to play Call of Duty we are cutting a real life swath of destruction through such antiquated genres as the JRPG, survival/horror, platforming, and action/adventure.
Evidence around the industry in the form of the constant mention of our beloved CoD exists to prove that the sales behind it have forced the hand of developers that even include the once mighty Square Enix. My beer-soaked friends, we have infiltrated and nearly destroyed Final Fantasy, and you know as well as I that the only way to drive the anime-loving JRPG masses out of their holes and into the light of day where the sun will scorch their pale skin is to destroy their games from within.
Call of Duty doesn't just have control of the market, it has control of the press. You know as well as I do that they need to be told what to be excited about. Nobody is going to pay attention to some wanna-be military shooter as long as there is even a tiny piece of information to reveal to steal their headlines. I don't want to hear about some fancy new engine or amazing audio, if we let facts get in the way of our opinions about Call of Duty there could be chaos. That's why fans should be on standby to flood the boards with man-on-CoD love at every single bit of information and visually manipulated trailer we get.
Remember, every purchase of Call of Duty you make, every dollar you spend on its DLC, every hour you pour into its multiplayer is a blow stuck for us mainstreamers against the smug bastards who have owned this entertainment medium for far too long. So the next time you blast open your best friend's head in a match, picture a stereotypical gamer, because that's who suffers most from our franchise's success, and they need our tough love more than we need diversity in gaming.
